Come, follow me. Prevention S1.
PREVENTION SKILL: Increase Children’s Willingness to Listen
Mindful Minutes “Square Breathing” Activity.
Use anytime you need to reduce stress, manage anxiety, improve focus, promote relaxation, such as before important events, or as part of your daily routine. Helps calm the nervous system by regulating your breath and lowering your heart rate.
Step 1: Sit comfortably and close your eyes. Slowly inhale through your nose while counting to four. Imagine drawing the first side of a square as you breathe in.
Step 2: Hold your breath for a count of four. Visualize drawing the second side of the square during this pause.
Step 3: Slowly exhale through your mouth while counting to four. Picture drawing the third side of the square as you breathe out.
Step 4: Hold your breath again for a count of four. Complete the square by imagining drawing the fourth side during this pause.
Step 5: Repeat Steps 1 through 4 for two minutes. ______________________________________________________________________________
GROUP SHARING Section – Maximum time 20 minutes
Let’s check in and share how your week went. This is a safe, supportive space where you can encourage others and focus on positive steps forward. You’re invited to share for 3 to 5 minutes about anything you’re working on with your children, in your family. Feel free to talk about:
· Any challenges you faced, and how you handled them,
· What experience did you have practicing CRAFTConnect principles and skills?
· How did your Family Chat go? What did you learn?
· What did you do to purposefully take care of yourself and show self-compassion?
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LEARN SECTION – Maximum time 30 minutes
1. Sometimes, talking with your children can be really tough. You might find yourself using strong words—nagging, begging, or threatening—to try and change their behavior. These ways don’t really help and can make things worse. To make a real difference, we need to change how we talk and listen to each other. As Proverbs 15:1 reminds us, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Today, we'll learn two ways to talk that can build stronger bonds and reduce unwanted behaviors.
2. The first skill is called P-I-U-S (Positive I Statements with Understanding and Support) or Positive ‘I’ Communication. Let’s go over seven rules that can help us communicate better:
• Be brief and keep it simple.
• Use positive words to say what you want, avoiding blame.
• Be clear and focus on one thing at a time.
• Describe your feelings calmly.
• Try to understand your child's point of view.
• Share a small part of the problem yourself.
• Offer your help.
Jesus emphasized that what we say reflects what is in our hearts. In Matthew 12:34, He taught, “For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” When we use kind and thoughtful words, we reflect the love and care within us.
Talk About It: What stands out to you about these rules? How are they different from how you have been talking with your child?
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3. When children do something we don’t like, we often say 'You' and blame them. This can make them defensive and less likely to change. Instead, we can turn these negative statements into P-I-U-S statements. By focusing on 'I' and using positive language, we help them hear us better without feeling bad.
For example: Negative ‘You’ Statement: “You never listen to me when I’m talking to you.”
Positive ‘P-I-U-S’ Statement: “I understand some of our talks upset you. I’d love your help to make them better.”
Negative ‘You’ Statement: “You and your noisy friends keep your brother awake.”
Positive ‘P-I-U-S’ Statement: “I enjoy when your friends come over. Can you help keep the house quiet so your brother can sleep?”
Discuss: What makes the Positive P-I-U-S statements for effective?
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4. You start P-I-U-S statements by describing how you feel. Try to express a positive feeling or compliment. Avoid focusing on upset feelings. Use "I feel" followed by your actual feeling. Describe the situation specifically without blaming. Then say what you want your child to do now or in the future. Be specific—you can prevent unwanted behavior by giving clear guidance.
5. Validate your child by including a “I Understand why...” statement. This shows you understand and care about their feelings. It helps them hear you without getting defensive. For example, instead of saying, "Don’t ever let me catch you yelling at your brother like that again," say, "I know your brother can be frustrating. Please help set a good example by talking to them calmly."
6. Even though you are not the cause of your child’s problem, you are involved and have an effect on it. When we share responsibility, our children are more likely to hear us. As Jesus said in Matthew 7:5, “First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” We must acknowledge our part in the situation to be helpful. Finally, offer to help. This is seen as supportive and non-blaming.
7. Look for the seven rules of Positive ‘I’ Communication as you review this sample P-I-U-S statement.
HOW DO YOU FEEL?: I was embarrassed...
DESCRIBE THE BEHAVIOR OR CONDITION: ...when you spoke to me that way in front of my friends.
WHY DO YOU FEEL THIS WAY?: It made me feel like a little child.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO HAPPEN?: I would like to discuss this in private next time.
YOU UNDERSTAND THE OTHER’S POSITION: I know talking about these things can be hard.
YOUR WILLINGNESS TO SHARE RESPONSIBILITY: Let’s set aside time to talk when we are both feeling better.
HOW CAN I HELP?
Changing “You” To “I” Activity
Step 1: What are two examples of negative ‘You’ statements you frequently say to your child.
Example One: __________________________________________________________________________
Example Two: __________________________________________________________________________
Step 2: Rewrite those negative ‘You’ statements into P-I-U-S statements.
Example One: __________________________________________________________________________
Example Two: __________________________________________________________________________
Step 3: Share a ‘You’ statement and rephrased P-I-U-S statement with the group.
Talk About It: Why do you think using P-I-U-S statements might be more effective than negative ‘You’ statements?
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8. The second skill is Reflective Listening. This helps you understand what your child really means. It’s about listening carefully, watching their body language, and then using your own words to show that you really get it. This is something Jesus modeled often. Before responding, He asked questions and listened deeply. In Mark 10:51, Jesus asked, “What do you want me to do for you?” — showing His interest in truly understanding people’s needs.
Simple Reflection Activity
Step 1: A group member completes this statement, “One thing I like about myself is that...”
Step 2: Another group member reflects back what the speaker really means by creating a simple reflection. For example, “You like that you...”
Step 3: Rotate to another group member, a listener, who completes “One thing I like about myself is that...”.
Step 4: Another member creates a reflection by completing their statement.
Step 5: Continue this rotation so that everyone plays the speaker and listener roles.
Talk About It: How did this activity help you to feel more connected as a speaker and listener?
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9. When your child expresses an emotion, it helps to show that you really get what they mean. For example, if they say, "I'm really upset because I'm not doing well in math," you can think about why they feel that way. You might ask yourself, "Are they saying they've been trying hard and still not getting better grades?" Instead of asking that, you can simply say "It sounds like you’ve been trying really hard, and your grades aren’t getting better." When you say this, your child will know you understand how hard they’ve been working. Letting them know you care and that it's okay to feel upset can help them feel better about their math worries. Jesus often responded to emotion with empathy. In John 11:33, when He saw Mary weeping, “he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.” This kind of caring response builds trust and emotional safety.
10. When you offer a reflection, you can get immediate feedback as to how accurate it is. There is no penalty for missing because when you guess wrong your child can tell you more about what they actually meant. Good reflective listening tends to keep your child talking, exploring and considering. It also offers an opportunity for your child to hear their own words, feelings and behaviors reflected back to them. This feedback or validation process is what distinguishes reflective listening and makes it so effective. Examples of reflective listening statements are found in the "Reflective Listening Handout".
Talk About It: Why is it important to keep the conversation going with your child?
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11. It’s not enough to know what or how to say it; we also need to know when to say it. There may be better times to communicate. Make sure your communication is safe and supportive. Sometimes we bottle up our emotions and then blurt out things. This can cause communication problems which harm relationships. Using P-I-U-S communication helps us express our feelings. Reflective Listening helps us focus on what someone else is feeling, all without being mean or overly emotional. Jesus demonstrated the importance of timing and discernment. Ecclesiastes 3:1 reminds us, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.” When we wait for the right time to speak, we honor our child’s needs and the relationship we are trying to build.
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MY COMMITMENTS Section
These are our group commitments. We will start the next session by reporting on them. This week I will:
A. Hold the “Family Chat: The Basketball Game” or alternative “Feelings Are Important” Family Chat for younger children.
• Use the “Sample Positive “I” Statements Handout” B. Do the in-between session assignments.
• Use the “Positive ‘I’ (P-I-U-S) Communication Worksheet” to write sample statements and
try to use one every day.
• Use Reflective Listening at least once a day. Refer to the “Reflective Listening Handout”.
C. Show kindness to myself by having self-compassion and taking care of myself.
FAMILY CHAT FOR OLDER CHILDREN: The Basketball Game
Mindful Minutes “Square Breathing” Activity.
Use anytime you need to reduce stress, manage anxiety, improve focus, promote relaxation, such as before important events, or as part of your daily routine. Helps calm the nervous system by regulating your breath and lowering your heart rate.
Step 1: Sit comfortably and close your eyes. Slowly inhale through your nose while counting to four. Imagine drawing the first side of a square as you breathe in.
Step 2: Hold your breath for a count of four. Visualize drawing the second side of the square during this pause.
Step 3: Slowly exhale through your mouth while counting to four. Picture drawing the third side of the square as you breathe out.
Step 4: Hold your breath again for a count of four. Complete the square by imagining drawing the fourth side during this pause.
Step 5: Repeat Steps 1 through 4 for two minutes. ______________________________________________________________________________
Read: Today, we will talk about how to increase our willingness to listen and communicate better with family members so we can help change ‘not okay’ actions. Let’s get started with a story about basketball.
Jake loved playing basketball with his friends. Lately, his little brother Sam had been joining in. Sam wasn’t very good, and sometimes it embarrassed Jake when Sam missed a basket. One day, after Sam kept missing over and over again, Jake got upset and said, “You always mess up the game! Why do you even come?” Sam looked sad and walked away. Later, Jake felt bad. He talked to his mom, who explained that there was a better way to talk to Sam—one that might help both of them feel better. The next day, Jake tried a different way to talk with his brother. He went to Sam and said, "I am happy we both like basketball and really do enjoy playing together. Yesterday, I felt upset when you missed some shots because I was worried about what my friends might think. I understand that it's not easy when you're just starting out. I want to help you get better so we can have even more fun. How about we practice together, so we both can improve?" Sam’s face brightened. “Thanks, Jake. I’d like that.” They started practicing together every day after school and soon Sam got better. Jake felt proud to have Sam play with his friends, and they had a lot more fun together.
Talk About It: What did you learn from that story? (Chose three topics to encourage children to reflect on and apply the story’s lessons to their own experience.)
· Why did Jake feel embarrassed when Sam missed the shots during their basketball game?
· Understand Jake's emotions and the initial conflict.
· How did Sam feel after Jake told him he "always messes up the game"? Explore Sam's
· feelings and the impact of Jake's words.
· What advice did Jake's mom give him about how to talk to Sam? Review the Positive ‘I’ Communication (P-I-U-S) skill.
· How did Jake change the way he talked to Sam the next day? What was the result of Jake using a different approach to talk to Sam?
· What can we learn from Jake and Sam’s story about how to talk to others when we’re upset?
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ACTIVITY
Preparation: Print out and post the “Sample ‘I’ Statements Handout”, refer to it as needed during the activity
Materials Needed: Strips of paper, pen or pencils, a bowl.
Instructions: Gather in a circle around the bowl. Have everyone write three ‘You’ statements on strips of paper. Examples: “You used my stuff without asking.” “You didn’t include me in your plans.” “You interrupted me when I was talking.” Fold the strips in two and place them in the bowl. The first player picks a ‘You’ statement and reads it out loud. Example: “You used my stuff without asking.” Work together to turn the ‘You’ statement into a positive ‘I’ statement that clearly expresses how you feel and what you’d like to happen next time. Example: “I feel frustrated when my things are used without permission. I know you might think you need to use it, can you ask me first?” After creating the positive ‘I’ statement the next person picks a “You” statement and the group helps them turn it into a positive ‘I’ statement. Continue until everyone has had a turn and all of the ‘You’ statements have been turned into positive “I” statements. At the end, encourage everyone to share their favorite statements and remind them to practice using ‘I’ statements in their daily lives, fostering better communication and empathy.
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Read: Using positive ‘I’ statements helped Jake talk about how he was feeling without making Sam feel bad. When we understand each other, it’s easier to fix things. By being nice and understanding, we keep our friendships happy and healthy. This week we will try to use a positive ‘I’ statement each day when you communicate with others, especially when addressing conflicts or misunderstandings. If you get stuck look at the “Sample Positive “I” Statements Handout” for help. ______________________________________________________________________________
FAMILY CHAT FOR YOUNGER CHILDREN: Feelings are Important, with “Winnie-the-Pooh”
Read: Today, we will talk about how to increase our willingness to listen and better share our feelings with family members so we help change ‘not okay’ actions. Let’s get started with a story inspired by A.A. Milne’s Winnie-the-Pooh characters.
Eeyore, our melancholy dear friend, had a particular fondness for sticks. Each day, with great care and attention, he collected and stored them in a neat and tidy pile near his little house. This daily ritual brought him a quiet sort of joy. However, Eeyore had a bit of a problem. His small well-meaning friend, Piglet had been taking Eeyore’s sticks without asking. As the days went by, Eeyore felt increasingly frustrated. He didn’t want to lose his temper with his friend, he knew he needed to express how he felt. One sunny afternoon, with the birds chirping merrily in the Hundred Acre Wood, Eeyore gathered all the courage he could muster and calmly approached Piglet. He explained how important his stick collection was to him and how his actions made him feel quite upset. Piglet listened attentively. For the first time, he realized how their actions had affected his friend Eeyore. With a heartfelt apology, Piglet promised to always ask before taking anything in the future. Eeyore felt a wave of relief wash over him. He thanked Piglet for understanding. From that day forward, Piglet made it a point to ask if Eeyore had any sticks to spare. Their friendship, once shadowed by misunderstanding, grew stronger as they learned to respect each other’s feelings. And so, in the gentle rhythm of the Hundred Acre Wood, Eeyore and Piglet found a new harmony, their bond deepened by the simple act of thoughtful communication.
Think About It: What did you learn from this story? (Chose three topics to encourage children to reflect on and apply the story’s lessons to their own experience.)
· How do you think Eeyore felt when Piglet took his sticks without asking? Why is it important to know how our actions affect others?
· Why do you think Eeyore chose to talk to Piglet about his feelings? How can sharing our
feelings help our friendships?
· How did Piglet act when Eeyore shared his feelings? Why is it important to listen when
someone is talking about their feelings?
· What did Piglet do to show he understood how Eeyore felt? Why is it important to say sorry
when we hurt someone’s feelings?
· How can we show respect for our friends' things and feelings, like Piglet learned to do with
Eeyore's sticks?
· How did Eeyore and Piglet’s friendship get stronger after they talked? What are some ways
we can make our own friendships better by communicating?
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ACTIVITY
Materials: A large piece of paper or whiteboard, crayons or markers. Draw a large heart.
Instructions: Find a comfortable space for everyone to sit in a circle where you can draw on the paper. Have each player name a feeling they’ve experienced recently and take turns writing or drawing that feeling inside the heart. Encourage everyone to share a short story related to their chosen feeling, while others listen. Discuss the importance of communicating feelings to strengthen relationships.
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Read: Eeyore talked about how he was feeling without making Piglet feel bad. When we understand each other, it’s easier to fix things like Piglet using Eeyore’s sticks without asking. Being nice and understanding helps to keep relationships happy and healthy. This week let’s try and use more positive communication. If you get stuck look at the “Sample Positive “I” Statements Handout” for help.
Let’s repeat together the Winnie-the-Pooh cheer -- “Always remember, you’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think, and more loved than you know.”
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SAMPLE POSITIVE “I” STATEMENT HANDOUT
Positive “I” Statements With Understanding & Support (P-I-U-S) Model
I… (How do feel?)
When you… (Describe the behavior or condition.)
Because… (Why do you feel this way?)
I would like… (What do you want to happen?)
I know… (You understand your child’s position.)
Let’s try… (Your willingness to share responsibility.)
… (How can I help?)
Positive “I” Statements
Chores: I really appreciate doing daily chores because it shows you’re growing up and contributing to our family. I’d love for you to regularly complete chores. I understand school and activities can make it tough to find time. How about I make a chore chart that fits your schedule?
Getting Along with Siblings: It makes me happy when you and your sister get along because it creates a better atmosphere at home. I’d like you both to be kind to one another. I know sometimes there is arguing. I’d be willing to play with your sister when you are feeling overwhelmed.
Focusing on Homework: I’m proud when you focus on your schoolwork because it shows you care about doing well on assignments. I’d like there to be dedicated time each day to complete homework. I know it’s hard to find time when there are so many other things that are important. I’d be happy to help you create a chart to plan this.
Following School Rules: I feel confident knowing school rules are being followed because it keeps everyone safe and learning. Respecting the rules encourages everyone to enjoy time with teachers and friends. I know it can be tempting to bend rules. Next time that happens I’d appreciate it if we could talk through the situation.
Family Rules: I’m glad when family rules are followed because it helps us all get along. I’d like you to be willing to keep using them to help build better relationships in our family. I know it’s easy to forget and there sometime there are disagreements. I’d be willing to go over the rules together so we are all in agreement.
Talking Together: I love when we talk because it helps us understand each other better. I know it can be easy to rush through conversations. I’d like us set aside time during to share what’s on our minds.
Picking Up After Yourself: I appreciate it when shoes, clothes, toys are put away because it keeps our home nice for everyone. I’d love to make it a habit to pick up our belongings. I know it can slip our mind when we are interested in moving on. I’d be happy to get baskets to help carry things back to where they belong.
Helping in the Kitchen: I love to see you develop kitchen skills. I’d like help chopping veggies or setting the table. I know you might be tired after the school day. Let’s find an easy recipe we can make together that’s a favorite.
Your Curfew: I’m pleased when everyone’s home on time because I sleep better. I’d like you to aim to be home by [specific time]. I know you might want to stay out longer with friends. I’d like you to check in with me by [specific time] if you need a ride.
Sharing the PlayStation/TV: I’m impressed when something as important as the PlayStation/TV is shared with your brother. I know it’s hard to break away from favorite games or TV shows. I’d like you both to take 30- minute turns or enjoy playing/watching together. I know waiting for a turn can be tough. I’ll get a timer that just for sharing screen time.
Getting to School/Work On Time: I’d like it when the day starts on a positive note by getting to school/work on time. I’d like us to be ready a bit earlier in the morning. I know mornings can be hectic. Let’s all pick out clothes and pack bags the night before so we help each other leave home by [specific time].
Saving Money: I am impressed when I see you setting aside money so you can afford more expensive things. I know it can be hard having money just sitting in a drawer. I’d be happy to help you set up a savings account.
Coming Home After School: I like it when you and your brother come home right after school because it shows you responsible. I’d like to make this a routine so we can get to lessons/activities on time. I understand that hanging out with friends is important. If you keep coming home on time, I’d be willing to get a weekly treat after lessons/activities.
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POSTIVE “I” (P-I-U-S) COMMUNICATION WORKSHEET
There are seven principles to positive or PIUS communication:
1. Be brief. Resist the urge to bring up too much. Keep it simple.
2. Be specific and clear. Focus on one thing.
3. Be positive while communicating what you want. Avoid blaming, name calling and over generalization
4. Label your feelings. Describe the emotional impact on you in a calm, nonjudgmental, non-accusatory way.
5. Offer an understanding statement. Try seeing it from the other person’s point of view.
6. Accept partial responsibility. Share a small piece of the problem.
7. Offer to help.
Write down a verbal/text or email interaction between you and a loved one.
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Using the seven principles write what you might communicate with a loved one the next time the same situation occurs, in a way that limits defensiveness and does not lead to an argument. Be sure to refine and practice your P-I-U-S statement before using it.
I… (HOW DO YOU FEEL?)
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when you…(DESCRIBE THE BEHAVIOR OR CONDITION)
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because… (WHY DO YOU FEEL THIS WAY?)
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I would like… (WHAT DO YOU WANT TO HAPPEN?)
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I know… (YOU UNDERSTAND THE OTHER’S POSITION)
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Let’s try… (YOUR WILLINGNESS TO SHARE RESPONSIBILITY)
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(HOW CAN I HELP?)
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REFLECTIVE LISTENING HANDOUT
Adapted from Chapter 3—Motivational Interviewing as a Counseling Style Enhancing Motivation for Change in Substance Abuse Treatment, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK64964/
Motivational Interviewing (MI) is a technique in which you become a helper in the change process and express acceptance of your loved one. Your role is directive, with a goal of eliciting self-motivational statements and behavioral change from your loved. In addition, you can gently create discrepancies between your loved one’s values and their behavior that enhance motivation for positive change. Essentially, MI activates the capability for beneficial change that everyone possesses. Although some people can continue change on their own, others require more formal treatment and support over the long journey of recovery (Miller and Rollnick, 1991; Rollnick and Miller, 1995).
NOTE: ALTHOUGH THE FOLLOWING REFLECTIVE LISTENING EXAMPLES USE SUBSTANCE USE, WELL SUPPORTED SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE SHOWS THEY WORK FOR OTHER BEHAVIORAL HEALTH CHALLENGES AS WELL.
Simple reflection. The simplest approach to responding to resistance is with nonresistance, by repeating the loved one's statement in a neutral form. This acknowledges and validates what the loved one has said and can elicit an opposite response.
Loved One: I don't plan to quit drinking anytime soon.
Family Member: You don't think that abstinence would work for you right now.
Amplified reflection. Another strategy is to reflect the loved one's statement in an exaggerated form--to state it in a more extreme way but without sarcasm. This can move the loved one toward positive change rather than resistance.
Loved One: I don't know why you are worried about this. I don't drink any more than any of my friends.
Family Member: So, I am worrying needlessly.
Double-sided reflection. A third strategy entails acknowledging what the loved one has said but then also stating contrary things she has said in the past. This requires the use of information that the loved one has offered previously.
Loved One: I know you want me to give up drinking completely, but I'm not going to do that!
Family Member: You can see that there are some real problems here, but you're not willing to think about quitting altogether.
Shifting focus. You can defuse resistance by helping the loved one shift focus away from obstacles and barriers. This method offers an opportunity to affirm your loved one's personal choice regarding the conduct of his own life.
Loved One: I can't stop smoking reefer when all my friends are doing it.
Family Member: You're way ahead of me. We're still exploring your concerns about whether you can get into college. We're not ready yet to decide how marijuana fits into your goals.
Agreement with a twist. A subtle strategy is to agree with the loved one, but with a slight twist or change of direction that propels the discussion forward.
Loved One: Why are you so stuck on my drinking? What about all of my wife’s problems? You'd drink, too, if your wife were nagging you all the time.
Family Member: You've got a good point there, and that's important. There is a bigger picture here, and maybe I haven't been paying enough attention to that. It's not as simple as one person's drinking. I agree with you that we shouldn't be trying to place blame here. Drinking problems like these do involve the whole family.
Reframing. A good strategy to use when a loved one denies personal problems is reframing--offering a new and positive interpretation of negative information provided by the loved one. Reframing "acknowledges the validity of the client’s raw observations, but offers a new meaning...for them" (Miller and Rollnick, 1991, p. 107)
Loved One: You’re always nagging me about my drinking--always calling me an alcoholic. It really bugs me.
Family Member: I really care and am concerned about you. It sounds like I am expressing it in a way that makes you angry. Maybe you can help me learn how to tell you that I love you and am worried about you in a more positive and acceptable way.
Rolling with Resistance. Accept your loved one’s perception, understanding they can be shifted over time. In this strategy new perspectives are invited but not imposed. This is not "reverse psychology”, it is stating what the loved one has already said while arguing against change, perhaps as an amplified reflection. If a loved one is ambivalent, taking the negative side of the argument evokes a "Yes, but..." from them, who then expresses the other (positive) side. Be cautious in using this with strategy with a loved one who is in early treatment or may be depressed.
Loved One: Well, I know you think I drink too much, and I may be damaging my liver, but I still don't believe I'm an alcoholic or in need of treatment.
Family Member: We've spent considerable time now going over your positive feelings and concerns about your drinking, but you still don't think you are ready or want to change your drinking patterns. Maybe changing would be too difficult for you, especially if you really want to stay the same. Anyway, I'm not sure you believe you could change even if you wanted to.